Although I am subject to sit here at home on a Friday night due to the fact that I have moths in my pockets, I cannot help but feel left out. Social butterflies do not do well when their wings are taken from them.
& yet, despite the obstacles in my way that prevent me from flying with the rest, I am shunned as a non-contributor, Un-social, hiding away; when it is in fact that it is not I that insists upon these actions that I must do but other things. How does the need to judge and point fingers at someone over-come the need to understand what one's position is? I guess ears that listen to everyone about everything shut some out due to the hurt that they themselves feel, but can't hear me say "I can't help it, I gotta do me."
Friday, June 10, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Apartment Hunting
I can not even begin to tell you the troubles of going about apartment hunting. It's really difficult. I honestly thought we would have something by now but we don't :[ and I'm kinda bummed about it.
It doesn't help that I have a criminal record. I hate to say that it's probably that that's holding us back. I just feel sorry for Eric because I feel like I'm holding him back. He tells me that he doesn't wanna be away from me but I just sometimes feel life would be a little bit easier w/out a convicted felon walkin' around behind ya.
I'm working on getting it removed though. & if you're not followin' me now then forget about it. I'm tired of this record and I'm tired of giving my money away to a government that doesn't even use it properly.
I stay optimistic thou. I just don't know how people who are more worst off than I am & how they make their money and how they manage. My heart goes out to all of you; But I do hope you're bettering yourself. Because I am.
The upside to being a criminal is that my kids won't be able to get away with nothing. at. all.
haha to them :P
But yeaa. Send the good vibes or pray; which ever you fancy most. In hopes that there are good genuine people who can see me and judge me by my personality and not just my past.
That's all for now.
Peace & Luv
It doesn't help that I have a criminal record. I hate to say that it's probably that that's holding us back. I just feel sorry for Eric because I feel like I'm holding him back. He tells me that he doesn't wanna be away from me but I just sometimes feel life would be a little bit easier w/out a convicted felon walkin' around behind ya.
I'm working on getting it removed though. & if you're not followin' me now then forget about it. I'm tired of this record and I'm tired of giving my money away to a government that doesn't even use it properly.
I stay optimistic thou. I just don't know how people who are more worst off than I am & how they make their money and how they manage. My heart goes out to all of you; But I do hope you're bettering yourself. Because I am.
The upside to being a criminal is that my kids won't be able to get away with nothing. at. all.
haha to them :P
But yeaa. Send the good vibes or pray; which ever you fancy most. In hopes that there are good genuine people who can see me and judge me by my personality and not just my past.
That's all for now.
Peace & Luv
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Bean's Birthday
How this night has been embedded into my brain. Thinking about this night not only angers me a lil, it also makes me think about that actions that I decided to take. Both on this night and past nights.
Part uno
I did not know what I was getting myself into. I'm happy that I went. Happy 21st bbygurl. But If I would've known how the night was gonna go, I think I would've stayed in the bay and joined you guys on the beach the next day w/ the hubby. Both days were beautiful days.
Goodness though. How too much alchy and a room full of gurls do blow up. Or should I say the town of Santa Cruz. I just want to point out that everyone there was ridiculously intoxicated. Estrogen was splattered on the pavements and also on the walls of the dual hotel rooms. I apologized to 3 ladies that night. I apologized for getting out of hand. But I just wanna say that I don't ever want to do that again. I'm not ok with what happened. I was disrespected & unheard other than when I said my Sorrys to make you ladies feel better. I guess it's nice to hear that you're right and they're wrong, & Jesus fuckin Christ was I wrong.
I was hung up on.
Yelled at.
Called names.
Complained to/at/about.
Overall disrespected right in front of my face.
How was I supposed to tell you in your set of ways @ that moment that you hurt me?
Or more like how to I communicate with my gurl who's completely blacked out?
I apologized just to keep the peace & b/c they are my gurls and nothing will change that but I'm hurt. This is my way of letting it out. Venting because I don't think I will get closure to this problem of mine. Please prove me wrong.
Part dos
My friend told me about how he was disappointed in how I handled my brother about his choice to go into the army. He pointed out things that I knew & that I had comes to terms with. All of which I've tried to apologize to Romeo for. He said that I shouldn't have yelled at him like I did because it was his choice and his choice to make.
Now that time has pasted since the last Thanksgiving Day & I haven't spoken to Romeo thru his 21st birthday, Christmas, & new years, I agree with what my friend had to say. Back when I did it, I wouldn't have agreed.
But can I tell you why I yelled at him? Now that you're not cutting me off? I yelled at him because he broke it to me on my birthday. I yelled at him because he didn't have the balls to tell me that he was signed up for the army even 2 months after he had already signed up. I had to find out through facebook that he signed up. & that my mom had promised him not to tell me.
That was the first time I yelled at him. August 14th.
The second time, My father had been trying to talk to my brother the minute he found out he joined the army. Dad found out through me. Romeo hasn't talked to him since his graduation of high school.
Now my dad pesters because Romeo won't have anything to do with him. He doesn't mean to but when I'm the only person in the family out of his 2 ex wifes and 3 kids who talks/sees/cares for him, it gets a little hard... it took Dad 7 years to understand that I couldn't help him save his and my mom's relationship even after she had been 2 years into her second marriage with her new husband. 7 years. My dad kept telling me to help him. Have mom call him. Tell mom that he loved her and always will. That shit gets to ya..
Now Dad's doing the same thing, but now it's Romeo. Why isn't Romeo picking up my calls? Why doesn't anyone care about me? what's wrong with me..
You get the drift.
If He can man up & make a commitment like that, then man up and talk to your Father; the if it wasn't for you Dad I wouldn't be here Father.
I understand Mr Matthews that you have an opinion. & that night I agreed with you. Your opinion is correct in the fact that I had no reason to yell at him about the choices and the actions that he takes. I'm sorry that I did that. There is no one else who can beat me up more about it than myself. Trust me...
Maybe the next time we get intoxicated you'll ask me to tell you the story of how it got to that point. I honestly don't think you will ever as me that but ya never kno.
----->Do me a favor, if you really wanna try and understand how my relationship with my brother works then ask me, I'll be more than happy to share with you.
Otherwise keep your opinions to yourself.
Peace.
Part uno
I did not know what I was getting myself into. I'm happy that I went. Happy 21st bbygurl. But If I would've known how the night was gonna go, I think I would've stayed in the bay and joined you guys on the beach the next day w/ the hubby. Both days were beautiful days.
Goodness though. How too much alchy and a room full of gurls do blow up. Or should I say the town of Santa Cruz. I just want to point out that everyone there was ridiculously intoxicated. Estrogen was splattered on the pavements and also on the walls of the dual hotel rooms. I apologized to 3 ladies that night. I apologized for getting out of hand. But I just wanna say that I don't ever want to do that again. I'm not ok with what happened. I was disrespected & unheard other than when I said my Sorrys to make you ladies feel better. I guess it's nice to hear that you're right and they're wrong, & Jesus fuckin Christ was I wrong.
I was hung up on.
Yelled at.
Called names.
Complained to/at/about.
Overall disrespected right in front of my face.
How was I supposed to tell you in your set of ways @ that moment that you hurt me?
Or more like how to I communicate with my gurl who's completely blacked out?
I apologized just to keep the peace & b/c they are my gurls and nothing will change that but I'm hurt. This is my way of letting it out. Venting because I don't think I will get closure to this problem of mine. Please prove me wrong.
Part dos
My friend told me about how he was disappointed in how I handled my brother about his choice to go into the army. He pointed out things that I knew & that I had comes to terms with. All of which I've tried to apologize to Romeo for. He said that I shouldn't have yelled at him like I did because it was his choice and his choice to make.
Now that time has pasted since the last Thanksgiving Day & I haven't spoken to Romeo thru his 21st birthday, Christmas, & new years, I agree with what my friend had to say. Back when I did it, I wouldn't have agreed.
But can I tell you why I yelled at him? Now that you're not cutting me off? I yelled at him because he broke it to me on my birthday. I yelled at him because he didn't have the balls to tell me that he was signed up for the army even 2 months after he had already signed up. I had to find out through facebook that he signed up. & that my mom had promised him not to tell me.
That was the first time I yelled at him. August 14th.
The second time, My father had been trying to talk to my brother the minute he found out he joined the army. Dad found out through me. Romeo hasn't talked to him since his graduation of high school.
Now my dad pesters because Romeo won't have anything to do with him. He doesn't mean to but when I'm the only person in the family out of his 2 ex wifes and 3 kids who talks/sees/cares for him, it gets a little hard... it took Dad 7 years to understand that I couldn't help him save his and my mom's relationship even after she had been 2 years into her second marriage with her new husband. 7 years. My dad kept telling me to help him. Have mom call him. Tell mom that he loved her and always will. That shit gets to ya..
Now Dad's doing the same thing, but now it's Romeo. Why isn't Romeo picking up my calls? Why doesn't anyone care about me? what's wrong with me..
You get the drift.
If He can man up & make a commitment like that, then man up and talk to your Father; the if it wasn't for you Dad I wouldn't be here Father.
I understand Mr Matthews that you have an opinion. & that night I agreed with you. Your opinion is correct in the fact that I had no reason to yell at him about the choices and the actions that he takes. I'm sorry that I did that. There is no one else who can beat me up more about it than myself. Trust me...
Maybe the next time we get intoxicated you'll ask me to tell you the story of how it got to that point. I honestly don't think you will ever as me that but ya never kno.
----->Do me a favor, if you really wanna try and understand how my relationship with my brother works then ask me, I'll be more than happy to share with you.
Otherwise keep your opinions to yourself.
Peace.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Gotta love Mother Nature & Besties
The other day I went on a hike with my good friend to this place we call "The Rock". It was such a good feeling to get away from these concrete roads and automobiles. To get away from the constant advertisements of this and that. It was so good to get out in the wild; a sweet little trip back to how it used to be before everything took off with our new high standard of living.
That day I was able to let go of all the anger that I had pent up inside from the recent happenings. Everyone in the world needs a best good friend. With someone who's there for you despite of your actions and decisions (well to some extent). It's nice to bounce your ideas off of someone who's isn't too deep in the mix that you yourself is in. An outsider's view of your life. I feel like sometimes life is just so busy with just trying to survive with all these bills and need-to-do's that it's hard to make time for your best good friend. But I'm happy that I did. & hiking was her idea.
She knows what I need & doesn't say what I need, she just has it all land in place. & poof! I feel better. acquaintances come & go but best good friends stay for life! :D ok ok that's a little much but there was a time that I would say stuff like that all the time & it didn't mean anything more than what it literally said.
I'm just sayin'. Be grateful for what you have, only then can you be happy & content of where you are in life. Sometimes I don't take my own my advice, but we're all human. & being human automatically means we make mistakes. Because we are not perfect & we need not to strive to be so.
Life is beautiful & I'm done watching it just go by. Enjoi :]
Peace & Love.
 |
| It's amazing to see what nature can do to your mood. Your thought process. Your view on life. |
That day I was able to let go of all the anger that I had pent up inside from the recent happenings. Everyone in the world needs a best good friend. With someone who's there for you despite of your actions and decisions (well to some extent). It's nice to bounce your ideas off of someone who's isn't too deep in the mix that you yourself is in. An outsider's view of your life. I feel like sometimes life is just so busy with just trying to survive with all these bills and need-to-do's that it's hard to make time for your best good friend. But I'm happy that I did. & hiking was her idea.
She knows what I need & doesn't say what I need, she just has it all land in place. & poof! I feel better. acquaintances come & go but best good friends stay for life! :D ok ok that's a little much but there was a time that I would say stuff like that all the time & it didn't mean anything more than what it literally said.
I'm just sayin'. Be grateful for what you have, only then can you be happy & content of where you are in life. Sometimes I don't take my own my advice, but we're all human. & being human automatically means we make mistakes. Because we are not perfect & we need not to strive to be so.
Life is beautiful & I'm done watching it just go by. Enjoi :]
Peace & Love.
Friday, March 11, 2011
I'll be the look out
I'm posted at my castle up in the look-out tower. I'll be prepared ahead of time when I see danger coming my way. I'm sitting tight with my Little Lion as my back-up. He'll fuck you up with his big dangerous claws if you get too close; or if you disturb him while he's sleeping... SO beware.
Procrastination is apparently my middle name, and random unknown distractions are the way of this game. I'm posted here being the look out, paranoid of being home alone. I have homework to do, but recent happenings have been my distraction. It's like watching someone's death, but they're doing it to themselves. & no matter how you try to talk to them or help them, they don't understand or don't want to listen to you.
What happened the last two weeks? Why am I scared of being here by myself? I know what happened and I'll let you know through my eyes. My experiences, my opinions, my thoughts. That's why you've come here correct? To understand happenings from my point of view? Well hang tight buddy, It's gonna get interesting.
So here is your warning. This is my God daymn Blog and you can leave & go suck a cock if what I have to say pisses you off. I don't give a fuck about your opinion or what you have to say about this matter. This is my page, I'm not blowing you up, I'm putting you on blast. But your name will remain anonymous, so don't worry. You can either take this into consideration or ignore it because that's what you're used to doing anyways.
The last 2 weeks a good friend of mine, His name will be Victor, has been on a drinking rampage. It's hard to try and talk some sense into him, because he's the kind of person who's mind thought is "Whatever I say goes, and I'm always right; always WINNING". Always WINNING huh? I don't think so.
Despite of getting a DUI, he's still determined to get a drink. Drink, Drink, Drink, Drink. That should be his middle right now, not DOWN. And for the record, I don't think getting a DUI is winning at all. I was hopeing it would knock some sense into you & maybe you'd slow down. But once again it didn't.
Why didn't it? Why did you think you could lie to my boyfriend, tell him you needed to charge your phone in his car just to get the keys, & try and steal it? You're lucky he's your family, he fucking loves you. He considers you his best friend. But the stupidity of it all is just overwhelming. Did you think you could get away w/ it? The car is parked where we can see out our back window. What the hell were you thinking?
Victor was so determined to go to the bar. SO DETERMINED that despite his failed attempt at stealing my boyfriend's car, he convinced my boyfriend's twin brother to go to the bar w/ him. YOu stole my boyfriends mom's car, which is your aunt btw just in case you forgot, Just to go to the bar?? WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING???
I awoke at 3 o'clock in the a.m. to a spammed doorbell and screaming from outside. It was Miguel. He was upset, bloody elbow from bashing in his mom's back window. You think he's crazy Victor. THAT'S BECAUSE HE IS!!! DUmmy! He's unstable, he's Bipolar and yet you decide to bring him along with you to get that itch. That lovely taste of alcohol. You didn't not need to drag him into this.
The rest is history i guess. The night ended finally ended at 5 in the morning. It involved 4 sheriff cop cars and 6 sheriff cops. My boyfriend's mother was @ the scene. It was freezing cold and depressing to see. Miguel was 151ed and Victor was taken to county for being drunk in public. I hope County was surreal for you, it was for me. It's cold, you have to sleep on metal benches and use toilet paper rolls as pillows. Don't try and tell me otherwise because I've been there, and I've done that. I hope it brought you to a different level of understanding of how deep you're in.
You, Victor are not the same person you used to be. The "everyone loves","so funny", "loving" kind of guy. It's hard to be around you. It's like you thrive off of Chaos. YOU need help. America is a completely different place than where you're from. You will learn that you will have a love-hate relationship with this country. Because just like any country this one isn't perfect. But neither is yours! If you really don't like it here maybe you should bounce out & quit with the whole USA sucks. I mean you FUCKING live here. I'm just sayin.
You need to understand Victor, that you are loved. No matter how pissed off at you I was, I was mostly worried about you. You need help. I hope you straighten up. & I'm happy you're family is involved, FINALLY. You need a parental figure because your friends telling you that your Fucking up doesn't work obviously. & do us all a favor, Man the fuck up. Tell the truth, stand by your decisions, and say YES I FUCKED UP. You make yourself look more of a pathetic little boy the more you lie. That's just my opinion.
SO that's where I stand. & I'm happy it's all over. Thanks for reading. This one's a long one.
When it rains, it fucking pours. But today is a sunny day. & I'm glad to be alive to hear the birds sing & witness this beautiful day. My heart goes out to Japan thou, with the tsunami and everything. You guys are being thought of and prayers are being sent out to you.
Peace & love everyone.
I hope you're having a better week than I am.
Procrastination is apparently my middle name, and random unknown distractions are the way of this game. I'm posted here being the look out, paranoid of being home alone. I have homework to do, but recent happenings have been my distraction. It's like watching someone's death, but they're doing it to themselves. & no matter how you try to talk to them or help them, they don't understand or don't want to listen to you.
What happened the last two weeks? Why am I scared of being here by myself? I know what happened and I'll let you know through my eyes. My experiences, my opinions, my thoughts. That's why you've come here correct? To understand happenings from my point of view? Well hang tight buddy, It's gonna get interesting.
So here is your warning. This is my God daymn Blog and you can leave & go suck a cock if what I have to say pisses you off. I don't give a fuck about your opinion or what you have to say about this matter. This is my page, I'm not blowing you up, I'm putting you on blast. But your name will remain anonymous, so don't worry. You can either take this into consideration or ignore it because that's what you're used to doing anyways.
The last 2 weeks a good friend of mine, His name will be Victor, has been on a drinking rampage. It's hard to try and talk some sense into him, because he's the kind of person who's mind thought is "Whatever I say goes, and I'm always right; always WINNING". Always WINNING huh? I don't think so.
Despite of getting a DUI, he's still determined to get a drink. Drink, Drink, Drink, Drink. That should be his middle right now, not DOWN. And for the record, I don't think getting a DUI is winning at all. I was hopeing it would knock some sense into you & maybe you'd slow down. But once again it didn't.
Why didn't it? Why did you think you could lie to my boyfriend, tell him you needed to charge your phone in his car just to get the keys, & try and steal it? You're lucky he's your family, he fucking loves you. He considers you his best friend. But the stupidity of it all is just overwhelming. Did you think you could get away w/ it? The car is parked where we can see out our back window. What the hell were you thinking?
Victor was so determined to go to the bar. SO DETERMINED that despite his failed attempt at stealing my boyfriend's car, he convinced my boyfriend's twin brother to go to the bar w/ him. YOu stole my boyfriends mom's car, which is your aunt btw just in case you forgot, Just to go to the bar?? WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING???
I awoke at 3 o'clock in the a.m. to a spammed doorbell and screaming from outside. It was Miguel. He was upset, bloody elbow from bashing in his mom's back window. You think he's crazy Victor. THAT'S BECAUSE HE IS!!! DUmmy! He's unstable, he's Bipolar and yet you decide to bring him along with you to get that itch. That lovely taste of alcohol. You didn't not need to drag him into this.
The rest is history i guess. The night ended finally ended at 5 in the morning. It involved 4 sheriff cop cars and 6 sheriff cops. My boyfriend's mother was @ the scene. It was freezing cold and depressing to see. Miguel was 151ed and Victor was taken to county for being drunk in public. I hope County was surreal for you, it was for me. It's cold, you have to sleep on metal benches and use toilet paper rolls as pillows. Don't try and tell me otherwise because I've been there, and I've done that. I hope it brought you to a different level of understanding of how deep you're in.
You, Victor are not the same person you used to be. The "everyone loves","so funny", "loving" kind of guy. It's hard to be around you. It's like you thrive off of Chaos. YOU need help. America is a completely different place than where you're from. You will learn that you will have a love-hate relationship with this country. Because just like any country this one isn't perfect. But neither is yours! If you really don't like it here maybe you should bounce out & quit with the whole USA sucks. I mean you FUCKING live here. I'm just sayin.
You need to understand Victor, that you are loved. No matter how pissed off at you I was, I was mostly worried about you. You need help. I hope you straighten up. & I'm happy you're family is involved, FINALLY. You need a parental figure because your friends telling you that your Fucking up doesn't work obviously. & do us all a favor, Man the fuck up. Tell the truth, stand by your decisions, and say YES I FUCKED UP. You make yourself look more of a pathetic little boy the more you lie. That's just my opinion.
SO that's where I stand. & I'm happy it's all over. Thanks for reading. This one's a long one.
When it rains, it fucking pours. But today is a sunny day. & I'm glad to be alive to hear the birds sing & witness this beautiful day. My heart goes out to Japan thou, with the tsunami and everything. You guys are being thought of and prayers are being sent out to you.
Peace & love everyone.
I hope you're having a better week than I am.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Confronted the Dragon
I confronted the Dragon just now.
& I got my head bit off.
I got nothing out of it.
& he didn't care to try and see it from my perspective.
Why? Because we are both strong-willed.
Wait scratch that. I wasn't as strong as I thought I was?
Bullshit. Go back to where you came from jerk. They get along with you better anyways. Be with the people who are more like you. Wouldn't you be more happier that way?
I'm Just Sayin.
& I got my head bit off.
I got nothing out of it.
& he didn't care to try and see it from my perspective.
Why? Because we are both strong-willed.
Wait scratch that. I wasn't as strong as I thought I was?
Bullshit. Go back to where you came from jerk. They get along with you better anyways. Be with the people who are more like you. Wouldn't you be more happier that way?
I'm Just Sayin.
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