Apartment Hunting

I can not even begin to tell you the troubles of going about apartment hunting. It's really difficult. I honestly thought we would have something by now but we don't :[ and I'm kinda bummed about it.

It doesn't help that I have a criminal record. I hate to say that it's probably that that's holding us back. I just feel sorry for Eric because I feel like I'm holding him back. He tells me that he doesn't wanna be away from me but I just sometimes feel life would be a little bit easier w/out a convicted felon walkin' around behind ya.

I'm working on getting it removed though. & if you're not followin' me now then forget about it. I'm tired of this record and I'm tired of giving my money away to a government that doesn't even use it properly.

I stay optimistic thou. I just don't know how people who are more worst off than I am & how they make their money and how they manage. My heart goes out to all of you; But I do hope you're bettering yourself. Because I am.

The upside to being a criminal is that my kids won't be able to get away with nothing. at. all.
haha to them :P

But yeaa. Send the good vibes or pray; which ever you fancy most. In hopes that there are good genuine people who can see me and judge me by my personality and not just my past.

That's all for now.
Peace & Luv

Bean's Birthday

How this night has been embedded into my brain. Thinking about this night not only angers me a lil, it also makes me think about that actions that I decided to take. Both on this night and past nights.

Part uno
I did not know what I was getting myself into. I'm happy that I went. Happy 21st bbygurl. But If I would've known how the night was gonna go, I think I would've stayed in the bay and joined you guys on the beach the next day w/ the hubby. Both days were beautiful days.

Goodness though. How too much alchy and a room full of gurls do blow up. Or should I say the town of Santa Cruz. I just want to point out that everyone there was ridiculously intoxicated. Estrogen was splattered on the pavements and also on the walls of the dual hotel rooms. I apologized to 3 ladies that night. I apologized for getting out of hand. But I just wanna say that I don't ever want to do that again. I'm not ok with what happened. I was disrespected & unheard other than when I said my Sorrys to make you ladies feel better. I guess it's nice to hear that you're right and they're wrong, & Jesus fuckin Christ was I wrong.

I was hung up on.
Yelled at.
Called names.
Complained to/at/about.
Overall disrespected right in front of my face.
How was I supposed to tell you in your set of ways @ that moment that you hurt me?
Or more like how to I communicate with my gurl who's completely blacked out?

I apologized just to keep the peace & b/c they are my gurls and nothing will change that but I'm hurt. This is my way of letting it out. Venting because I don't think I will get closure to this problem of mine. Please prove me wrong.


Part dos
My friend told me about how he was disappointed in how I handled my brother about his choice to go into the army. He pointed out things that I knew & that I had comes to terms with. All of which I've tried to apologize to Romeo for. He said that I shouldn't have yelled at him like I did because it was his choice and his choice to make.

Now that time has pasted since the last Thanksgiving Day & I haven't spoken to Romeo thru his 21st birthday, Christmas, & new years, I agree with what my friend had to say. Back when I did it, I wouldn't have agreed.

But can I tell you why I yelled at him? Now that you're not cutting me off? I yelled at him because he broke it to me on my birthday. I yelled at him because he didn't have the balls to tell me that he was signed up for the army even 2 months after he had already signed up. I had to find out through facebook that he signed up. & that my mom had promised him not to tell me.

That was the first time I yelled at him. August 14th.

The second time, My father had been trying to talk to my brother the minute he found out he joined the army. Dad found out through me. Romeo hasn't talked to him since his graduation of high school.
Now my dad pesters because Romeo won't have anything to do with him. He doesn't mean to but when I'm the only person in the family out of his 2 ex wifes and 3 kids who talks/sees/cares for him, it gets a little hard... it took Dad 7 years to understand that I couldn't help him save his and my mom's relationship even after she had been 2 years into her second marriage with her new husband. 7 years. My dad kept telling me to help him. Have mom call him. Tell mom that he loved her and always will. That shit gets to ya..
Now Dad's doing the same thing, but now it's Romeo. Why isn't Romeo picking up my calls? Why doesn't anyone care about me? what's wrong with me..
You get the drift.  

If He can man up & make a commitment like that, then man up and talk to your Father; the if it wasn't for you Dad I wouldn't be here Father. 

I understand Mr Matthews that you have an opinion. & that night I agreed with you. Your opinion is correct in the fact that I had no reason to yell at him about the choices and the actions that he takes. I'm sorry that I did that. There is no one else who can beat me up more about it than myself. Trust me...

Maybe the next time we get intoxicated you'll ask me to tell you the story of how it got to that point. I honestly don't think you will ever as me that but ya never kno.

----->Do me a favor, if you really wanna try and understand how my relationship with my brother works then ask me, I'll be more than happy to share with you.
Otherwise keep your opinions to yourself.

Peace.